Following are words written by a man named Nathaniel Habeger.
Words, written from a man's perspective,
for himself and his bride,
expressing the real-life trauma of miscarriage.
Shared in hopes of helping others find their way through.
What is it about trauma that makes all time seem to stand still?
You can remember where you were when you got the news.
What everyone was wearing
or even what the room smelled like.
On Thursday last week,
I got a call from my wife, Sarah,
saying that she thought her water broke.
I rushed home and rushed her to the hospital.
The doctor confirmed what we had feared,
there was no amniotic fluid left inside Sarah.
Baby had a strong heartbeat, but without fluid and at only 17 weeks,
it was considered a “non-viable fetus.”
We waited for Sarah’s body to start contractions and shedding the baby.
Then we started praying that God would do a miracle
and refill Sarah’s uterus with fluid.
We texted friends and family to join us in prayer.
We messaged our church prayer group.
In no way did we want to induce labor if the baby was still alive
with a strong heartbeat…
but we needed there to be fluid.
24 hours later,
still a heartbeat but no increase in fluid.
The doctor allowed us to go home
but instructed us to return if Sarah spiked a fever.
We went home.
We prayed and everyone who knew what we were going through prayed too.
We believed that a miracle could happen.
On Saturday at 8 pm,
Sarah spiked a fever.
We rushed back to the hospital
where Sarah was pumped full of antibiotics and induced.
At 3 AM we held our lifeless baby.
This was supposed to be our grand finale baby.
Three of our babies have made it into the world alive,
but we have had five other miscarriages over the last six years.
As a result, we never announce that we are pregnant
until after the twelve week mark.
We don’t want the attention that losing a baby brings.
But this baby kept progressing. We made this baby “Facebook official.”
We were supposed to find out the gender in a week.
We allowed ourselves to become more attached to this one
because we thought, “This is it, this baby is going to make it!”
If it was a boy…we’d name him Noah. If it was a girl…we’d name her Norah.
We hoped and prayed it would be a boy
because then it would be two boys and two girls.
Either way though, our family of six would be complete.
When Sarah lost our first baby,
she named it Titus because “it looked like a Titus.”
Keeping with the books-of-the-Bible-theme, we named this baby Timothy.
Our Micah is alive and with us,
but Titus, Timothy and four of his other siblings are not.
At 6:00 AM Sarah was rushed into the operating room
because she went into septic shock.
Not all of her placenta had come out in delivery
and the infection was so rampant
it was causing her blood pressure to plummet.
The doctor was able to get the source of infection out
while medicine and blood transfusions
were able to get Sarah’s blood pressure to where it is supposed to be.
Her recovery is slow though and we’re still at the hospital
because the infection almost killed her.
I almost lost my wife.
What do you do with this level of trauma?
I don’t understand why this happened.
I don’t understand why we came so close to having our “perfect family”
only to not be so close.
I don’t understand why God didn’t protect this baby
or perform a miracle when I believe He could have.
The only thing I think I CAN understand
and do have control over
is my response to the trauma.
Having a relationship with Jesus
doesn’t ensure that your life will be perfect and free from pain.
What it does ensure is that Jesus will be walking with you
when life isn’t perfect and it hurts like hell.
Christianity isn’t a crutch for the weak.
It is the means by which a person is truly able to face trauma head-on.
I don’t have to skirt the trauma
or self-medicate because of the trauma.
Through Jesus, I can literally walk through the trauma
and come out a wiser, more compassionate person because of it.
Many songs have spoken to Sarah and I over this traumatic weekend.
The one that has spoken to us most is called “Beautiful Story”
by The Belonging Co.
The words to the bridge is what truly has given us hope
in the midst of this trauma.
The strength to face this trauma head-on.
"All the while, You keep saying,
Trust that I am orchestrating
Everything for good;
All the while, You keep saying,
Trust that I am custom making
Everything for good."
While I don’t understand
why everything that happened this weekend…happened.
I do understand that God’s going to walk us through this trauma
orchestrating it for good.